Dear Anxiety: Healing Doesn’t Look Like I Thought It Would

Dear Anxiety,

When I first started trying to heal, I thought it would be a straight line.
I thought I’d hit milestones, check off boxes, and eventually leave you behind like a bad memory.

But healing with you isn’t neat.
It’s messy.
It’s confusing.
It’s two steps forward, three steps back, and sometimes just sitting still and surviving.

Some days, I feel strong.
Other days, I feel like the same scared, exhausted person I was at my worst.

Healing doesn’t mean you’re gone.
It means I’m learning how to live without letting you control every part of me.

I thought healing would feel like a victory parade.
Instead, it feels like a quiet, stubborn decision I make over and over again:
I will not give up on myself.

Even when you scream.
Even when fear clouds my mind.
Even when doubt seeps in.

Healing isn’t loud.
It isn’t obvious.
Sometimes it’s as small as breathing through one more panic wave.
Sometimes it’s celebrating the moments you didn’t completely ruin.

And that’s enough for me.

I’m healing.
Messy, imperfect, beautiful healing.

You don’t get to take that from me.

— Shanice