Trigger warning: anxiety, panic attacks, medication fear
Disclaimer: this post is based on personal experience and public research. it is not medical advice. always consult with a healthcare professional before starting or stopping any medication.
I live with anxiety every single day.
And I don’t take daily medication.
Not because I don’t believe in it.
Not because I’m trying to be some “strong, natural” version of a mom.
But because I’m scared.
This is my truth — the in-between space where panic is real, meds are terrifying, and I’m still trying to survive.
I’ve Tried Medication — It Didn’t Go Well
This isn’t a story about someone who refused to get help.
This is a story about someone who tried… and had a hard time.
I’ve been prescribed:
- Zoloft – it gave me intense side effects that made me feel worse, not better.
- Lexapro and Celexa – I didn’t feel like myself. Just emotionally flat and off.
- Wellbutrin – was suggested to help with quitting smoking, but it left me moody and on edge.
- Propranolol – helped a bit with physical symptoms like racing heart, but I couldn’t stay on it.
Now, the only medication I occasionally take is Hydroxyzine — and even then, I cry before I take it.
Not because I think I’m above medication.
Because I’m anxious about the very thing that’s supposed to help my anxiety.
Medication Anxiety Is Real — And I Have It
There’s a name for what I go through: medication anxiety.
It’s not uncommon.
In fact, studies have shown that fear of side effects, fear of becoming dependent, or fear of losing control are among the top reasons people avoid or discontinue anxiety medications — even when they need them.
One study published in BMJ Open (2018) found that stigma, fear of adverse effects, and distrust in medication were significant barriers to treatment for anxiety and depression.
And I feel that deeply.
I want relief — I really do.
But the idea of putting something in my body that might make things worse? That fear is paralyzing.
But I’m Not Anti-Medication. Not At All.
Let me say this loudly:
There is no shame in taking medication for anxiety.
Some people take it and feel like they can breathe again for the first time in years.
Some need it long-term. Others only short-term.
Some combine it with therapy. Some don’t.
All of it is valid.
Just because I’m not on daily meds right now doesn’t mean I won’t try again.
And it definitely doesn’t mean I think less of anyone who needs them to function.
I celebrate every mom, every person, who is doing whatever they need to do to feel better — whether that includes medication or not.
So How Do I Cope Without Daily Meds?
Honestly? It’s not always pretty.
Some days I feel like I’m barely hanging on.
Some days I wish I could fast-forward through the panic, the overthinking, the chest tightness, the spirals.
But I’ve built my own support system — not perfect, but something.
What helps me manage for now:
- Hydroxyzine (only during extreme panic attacks)
- Grounding exercises and deep breathing
- Journaling with my Peace Over Panic Journal
- My “You vs. Anxiety” tracker to monitor symptoms and identify patterns
- Faith, prayer, and reassurance rituals when fear feels overwhelming
- Crying it out and not pretending to be okay
Some days it works. Some days it doesn’t.
But I keep showing up anyway.
What I Wish People Understood
Living with untreated anxiety doesn’t mean I’m irresponsible.
It means I’m trying to find a way forward that doesn’t scare me even more.
People say:
“Just take the pill, it’ll help.”
“Millions of people are on it — you’ll be fine.”
“It’s just in your head.”
But anxiety is in my body, too.
And trauma around how meds have made me feel in the past is very real.
So I take it day by day.
Symptom by symptom.
And I stay open — because I haven’t given up.
To Anyone Like Me…
If you’re scared of medication but also scared of how anxiety is taking over your life — you are not alone.
If you’ve tried and had bad reactions — you’re not crazy.
If you’re somewhere in the middle — not fully okay, not fully medicated — I’m with you.
This isn’t a perfect ending or a cure-all.
It’s just my truth:
Unmedicated. Anxious. Still trying. Still hoping. Still fighting.
💜 What Helps Me Stay Grounded
I’ve created a space called The Calm Vault — it’s where I keep the free tools, worksheets, and gentle supports that have helped me feel a little less alone on the hard days.
Inside, you’ll find things like:
- Printable anxiety check-ins
- Emotional tracking sheets
- Journaling prompts
- Reassurance pages for when you’re spiraling
All real. All free. All created with love for the overwhelmed medicated and unmedicated.